Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

Our beloved mom, Junelle Blizzard Cook, 82, passed away on Sunday afternoon, March 11, 2012. 

Sunday night I layed my head on my pillow and a strong dose of reality hit me.  I don't have parents anymore. I will never get to see them or hug them again on this earth.

Although a good bit of my mom had already left us through her dementia, she was still a tangible parent.  Someone I could talk to,  take care of, and tell often that I loved her.  She would smile and tell me she loved me too.  She was also that special connection to my dad who passed six and a half years ago.

She loved to repeat over and over again our adoption story of how she got her two girls.  She'd say, "I had to buy my two girls!" It didn't matter how many times she told it when I was there; it was one of her happiest memories, and I am most grateful.

Up until about a week ago, my mom could communicate with us.  But by Friday, she was full of infection and became very lathargic. She was on oxygen, and became non-responsive. Because we weren't made aware of the seriousness of her illness, I didn't know how close to death she was until I talked with my sister on Saturday.  I went to see mom on Sunday afternoon. 

The picture that is burned into my memory is one of labored breathing, fighting for life- more likely fighting to go home, and not live.  One of hardship and struggle.  She had smiled at me on Monday, but I didn't realize that would be the last time I would see my mom smile.

Weak, sick, and weary, I stroked my mom's head one last time and thought, "Dad, she's coming to see you soon."  I left the room, went to my car, and made the decision to go to the mall and buy her burial dress.

After shopping for about an hour for the perfect dress, I purchased one. I had made my way to the shoe department when the hospice nurse called to tell me that my mom had just passed away.  He said, "Even though she was non-responsive, she must have waited to see you and then just let go."

My next thought was, "God you did it again.  You gave me the feeling that I needed to go, that she wasn't going to be with us much longer." 

This is the same feeling He gave me the night my dad passed away.  I went to spend time with my dad who was still carrying on a conversation with me at 10:00 p.m.; also on a Sunday night.  I left him and my mom, who was in his room at Agape', where they lived together.  A couple of hours later, I got a call around 1:00 AM to let me know that my dad had just passed away.  God gave me precious time with both of my parents right before He ushered them into His presence.  "Thank you, Lord, for that very special gift of quality time with both of them.  You truly are faithful and wonderful."

Until you experience the death of a parent, it is very difficult to express.  There is and will be a void that has been filled for your whole life until now.  Who do you go to for the advice of the wiser?  Who do you call for that special recipe that just isn't working out for you?  Who is there to lean on when the shoulder of a parent is the only one that can console? 

But, when you know that they are together again, rejoicing in the presence of the Almighty, you could never ask for them back.  Jesus is now my Parent, my Wonderful Counselor, Strong Tower and my All in All.

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I count my tears instead of sheep.
When I wake in the morning light,
I'll be missing mom with all my might.

Thank you, Lord, for her love and care
And please fill this hole with Your presence there.
A heart of compassion, and mercy to see,
She lived out Your love and Your grace so free.

                                                      The next few days will be filled with talk
                                                      Of how blessed we've been because of her walk.
                                                      She honored You, Lord, in her own special way
                                                      She lived to serve others, which was Your way.

                                                     So as we plan to honor her life
                                                     as our mother, friend, and devoted wife,
                                                     Help us to tell her story so true
                                                     So she will be honored as we worship YOU.
                                                                                                          (written by Melanie Shull)

My Pleasure,
Melanie